Why is it that so many of us can't bring ourselves to give a direct report critical feedback, address a moment when a coworker disrespected us, or break up with someone who's a nice person - but also not right for us? We can twist ourselves into pretzels with all kinds of justifications for avoiding a hard conversation.
If we do choose to address the issue at hand, we often do so in a way that leaves us with a shame hangover, replaying the conversation again and again and dissecting all the moments where we fell short or messed up.
What are you actually saying by staying quiet?
Folks, you might not realize it, but shame is driving the car here, and it's taking our biology along as a hostage. When we ruminate on all the ways that we might get it wrong and all of the terrible things that they might think of us, those are what I call the shame tapes.
When the shame tapes start playing, our brain perceives the conversation as a threat, which in turn activates our survival reflexes (you know, fight or flight and all of that). To protect ourselves, we rationalize avoiding the conversation, feeling a rush of relief when we've convinced ourselves that really, it's not that big of a deal, it will all be fine if we just leave it alone, and so on.
In other words, what we are saying is, "The idea of having this conversation is so threatening to me, and my need to protect myself from possible emotional harm is so great, that I'm willing to accept the inevitable fallout that will occur by my avoidance."
"Does this make me a bad person?"
No! In fact, it's a signal that your biology is working exactly the way it's supposed to. But is this way of being helping you to like and feel proud of yourself? I'm guessing it's not.
The shame we feel when we can't gather the courage to address something we know is important makes us feel even less capable the next time something hard comes up, and those tapes we play telling us how dangerous the interaction could be become louder. Our brain perceives an even bigger threat, our survival reflexes more aggressively self-protect, we avoid again, we get hit with a shame hangover, ad infinitum. It's a negative feedback loop.
The reframe
Since we can't change the fact that hard conversations must be had, that leaves us with one alternative: we can change the way we perceive our ability to meet the moment.
You might wonder, "But how? In a self-improvement landscape that tosses around hand-wavy jargon like 'you are enough' and 'live your values', what actual steps can I take to build practices that lead to this bigger shift I want to make?"
That's where Human First comes in. We are teaching people the concrete steps one can take to be ready to meet the moment when a hard conversation needs to be had. It's not only about what to say and how to say it (although we do cover that too), it's about the work we must do within to align our mindset, habits, and choices with our values.
One step you can take right now
If you've been struggling with avoiding hard conversations, one step you can take right away is simply noticing what you're telling yourself in the moments where you decide that avoidance is the best path forward.
What are the thoughts you're having, the things you're saying to yourself about what could go wrong and why you're not going to do it? These are your shame tapes.
Notice any excuses or rationalizations you're making. What's going on in your body when you have these thoughts? Are you anxious or tense? Does the thought of delaying or avoiding the conversation bring you a sense of relief? Or maybe you're filled with rage and ready to march into your boss's office and give them a piece of your mind, imagining how good it will feel to tell them off. These are your survival reflexes.
Catching yourself in these moments allows you to pause and consider whether the things you're telling yourself are true or merely convenient.
The Say the Hard Things framework begins here, in these moments, and guides you through the experience of facing a tough interaction from start to finish.
The Front Porch is the point of entry into these tools. It's free, bite-sized, and will help you to reframe some of the most common challenges we face with interpersonal communication. If you want to become a more clear, compassionate, and confident communicator, this is where to begin.
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What's the conversation you've been avoiding?
I'm curious to know more about the specific conversations you've been putting off. Leave a comment and tell me more - I read every response.
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