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I've been dating my partner for about six months. They're kind, considerate, and seem to care about me a lot. The problem is, I want to end the relationship. They haven't done anything "wrong", I just know deep down that we aren't compatible. How can I break up with them without hurting them, especially when I don't even have a valid reason?
Simply not wanting to be with someone is a completely valid reason for breaking up with them, no matter how long you've been together or whether they did anything wrong. You're never obligated to stay in a relationship that you don't want - no matter what anyone says - so let's get that out of the way right now.
I once fell into this trap. A man I was dating loved and cared about me so much that I felt overwhelming guilt about not being equally sure about the relationship. I thought, "Well, I can't break up with him, it would break his heart - plus, he's done nothing wrong!"
Then, he proposed. I panicked, thinking, "Oh SHIT - now I really can't break up with him - he'd be devastated! And this whole time I've never said that I didn't feel like we were compatible, so it really isn't fair to him." And then I said yes.
I married him, knowing that it wasn't right for either of us. And guess what happened? A few years later, the marriage failed spectacularly, leaving him exponentially more hurt than he would've been if I had just broken up with him when I knew we weren't right for each other.
I sabotaged our relationship and behaved in ways that are decidedly out of line with my core values, all because I couldn't bring myself to have a hard conversation with him.
An inconvenient truth
Unfortunately, there's no way to guarantee that the person you're breaking up with won't be hurt. Sometimes the choices we make hurt others, try as we might to please them instead.
I like how Brene Brown phrases it: "You can either choose discomfort now, or resentment later." In other words, when we know deep down that our answer is "No", but we say "Yes" instead, we are creating a situation that is likely to breed resentment later on, possibly making the consequences and hurt worse for ourselves and others than if we had just said the uncomfortable thing to begin with.
How to measure success
In cases like these, the barometer for how successful the conversation was can't be whether the other person had hurt feelings. That's outside of our control. Rather, we must measure how we handle these conversations against our values and goals. Here's how I would frame that up, if I could go back in time and have the conversation I avoided back then:
What kind of person do I want to be?
I want to be someone who is brave, humble, and kind.
What are my goals for this conversation?
To end the relationship with kindness and compassion, accept that he might be hurt and even angry about it, and allow him the space to have those feelings without trying to control them or make them my responsibility.
What will it take for me to consider this conversation successful?
If I can clearly say that I'd like to end things using kind, neutral language, and if I can hold empathy and compassion for him no matter how he reacts, I will feel successful because I will know that I stood in my values and told the honest truth. I will also know that I am doing him a kindness, because he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be there just as much as he does.
The illusion of protection
Erasing ourselves and our needs to avoid discomfort in the current moment is a survival reflex; we are trying to protect ourselves from emotional harm (in this case, the harm of feeling like we are a bad person for hurting someone else). This is especially true for those of us with people-pleasing tendencies, who learned early on that it isn't safe to assert our needs if it inconveniences someone else.
In the long run though, this behavior only hurts us - and those around us - worse. I thought I was protecting myself and my former husband from hurt by going further into the commitment, when what I was really doing was keeping him from being able to find true partnership because I was too selfish in that moment to accept the consequences of telling the truth.
Delivering painful messages with kindness and compassion is just one of the things we are practicing in The Living Room.
Join us to learn more about how the Say the Hard Things framework can help you become the kind of person who can meet these moments with courage.
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