I’m having trouble getting feedback at work. Even when I ask directly what I could be doing better, my boss tells me everything is fine, but his face and voice give me the feeling that I’m not quite hitting the mark on some of my work. How can I learn from him if he won’t tell me how to improve?
I had a boss like this. In fact, he's "Bill": the example that I use to teach my entire Say the Hard Things framework! Asking him point blank, "Is there anything I could start or stop doing to be better at my job?" did not move the needle. Predictably, this led to a pretty undesirable outcome for me.
After six months of "you're doing great, Jess!" followed by a poor performance review, I finally got the courage to ask him, "What got in the way of giving me this feedback when I could've done something about it?" One of his reasons, I kid you not, was - and I quote - "Hard conversations are just hard for me, Jess. It's something I'm getting coaching on."
This was eye opening for me. If Bill, someone at the very top of an entire department, with decades of leadership experience, couldn't even give it to me straight, what hope do the rest of us have? It dawned on me: fear of hard conversations is so ubiquitous that we accept it as a matter of course in our leaders, and we are willing to deal with the fallout that these failures cause.
So why is it so hard?
Have you ever had that sudden jolt in your body of knowing that danger is near? Like a voice in your head that says, “I’d better get outta here NOW!” and then you tear ass out the door? What’s happening is that your survival reflexes are being triggered because your brain has detected a threat. Our human brains are hardwired to detect threats, which then rally our bodies to action - causing us to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn - thereby keeping us alive. This came in handy for our ancestors if they needed to, say, run away from a lion.
It sounds like your boss’s brain - much like Bill's - perceives the idea of giving you critical feedback (or likely any hard conversation) as a threat, and avoidance is his way of fleeing the threat, allowing him to live another day. While the stakes of a tough conversation aren’t nearly as high as getting chased by a lion, our brains can’t tell the difference; a threat is a threat. In other words, his biology is working exactly as intended.
Does this make him a bad person? No. But is it helpful behavior? Also no! The best outcome would be for him to work through these fears and find a way to override his biology in order to have the conversations that are necessary, especially as a leader. But since you can only control one variable here (you), my advice is that you should:
- Make a clear, unequivocal request for direct feedback (you say you've done this, so try it one last time and document it), and
- Try to signal safety in your interactions with him.
Now you might be thinking, "Wait, why should I have to bend over backwards and go to all of this trouble just to get him to do his job?" That's a fair question. If your goal here is getting feedback to help you improve, then set aside the issue of what you "should" have to do; instead, focus on what you can do to get closer to your goal. At the end of the day, "should's" and "shouldn't's" aren't going to move the needle, but "here's an action I can take" might.
Make a clear request
What you are aiming for here is to be as clear and direct as possible, so there is no way to misconstrue what you're asking for.
You'll do this using plain, neutral language and plenty of safety cues (more on that in a minute), without any type of blame, accusation, or interpretation of why he hasn't given you feedback so far. Here's an example of how this can sound:
Bill, I've noticed that the last three times I've asked you for feedback, you've said you don't know of anything I can improve. Yet, I can't shake the sense that I could be doing better. I want to be clear about my intention to perform this job to the best of my ability. Would you be willing to share any thoughts or observations you have that would help me to be more effective, no matter how hard you think it might be for me to hear?
It's important to include the bit about sharing no matter how hard the feedback might be. This could be one thing that is triggering his impulse to avoid saying anything - he's afraid of hurting your feelings.
Document the conversation - both what you said and how he responded. This is for your own protection if you are later held accountable for expectations that were never articulated to you.
Once you've done this, you want to follow it up with consistent signals of safety in all of your interactions with him.
OK, so how can I "signal safety"?
This means actively monitoring and managing the energy that you bring to interactions with your boss, including your tone, body language, facial expressions, and word choices.
Other people pick up our cues even if we think we are masking them (i.e., if we are frustrated with someone, it leaks out in our voice, face, and posture). Cueing safety in conversation makes it less likely that your boss's brain will detect a threat, which in turn makes it more likely that he'll be willing to share feedback with you, even if he thinks it might be hard to hear. Doing this effectively requires awareness and regulation of the energy we are bringing into interactions, and it is extremely hard to fake.
One trick I like to use is cultivating empathy for the other person, even if I don't think they "deserve" it, by imagining a time when I made a mistake, hurt someone, or showed up as less than my best self. I think about what was going on for me at the time, what I was afraid of, and what I was telling myself in those interactions. I can then easily generate a sense of compassion for them (even if I'm really upset with them).
Getting our energy right makes it a lot easier to arrange our face and inflection in a way that connotes, "It's safe to listen to me and to respond honestly; I seek to understand, not to judge."
Above all else, always stay grounded in your values and goals. Who do I want to be, and how would that person show up in this scenario to move closer to their goals?
Protect yourself, just in case
Sometimes, you might end up with a boss who refuses to give feedback, even if you sing them to sleep with a lullabye every night, bring them their favorite treat every day, and always have the perfect tone, expression, words, and body language.
Make sure that you are documenting every time you asked for feedback and what the response was. You might not be able to influence some folks' behavior, but those receipts will go a long way when you eventually have to talk to HR about revising your performance rating.
If this happens to you, remember: building a safe container isn't a waste of time, especially if it is done in service of your values and the person you want to be. Getting in the habit of creating safety in interpersonal interactions will go a long way toward turning hard conversations into just plain old conversations.
Want to go deeper?
There's a lot more to talk about when it comes to signaling safety and preparing for hard conversations. In our online community - The Living Room - we are diving deep into this topic in our Building a Safe Container workshop as part of the Say the Hard Things framework.
Join us for weekly live workshops, space to practice what you learn, downloadable resources, and much more!
Learn more about The Living Room
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