_{Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash}

Written by Jess Kyle

Most of you probably don’t know me, but that’s ok. I think what I’m saying might still make sense.

I’m Jess. Earlier this year, I started a company called Human First, which has been a huge dream of mine for a long time. I want to live in a world where we understand and like ourselves enough to work through all of the internal shame, core beliefs, and self-limiting behaviors that cause us to show up in unhelpful or even toxic ways at work and at home, and we are developing tools and resources to help bring about that reality.

Right now, we at Human First are focusing our attention on people at work - especially middle managers, because they are under so much pressure and have so little support - because that’s where we spend the most time, and because that’s where I’ve seen and experienced the largest variety of these types of displays of dysfunction. Starting a company in a way that prioritizes intentionality and values-based decisions takes an incredible amount of focus and discipline; it’s been a struggle for me, because I have so much to share and regularly have new, shiny ideas that excite me. I often feel like a bouncy ball - the opposite of disciplined.

So here’s what happened.

I am very close with my mom and sister. They live only a few miles away, and we see and talk to each other often. Every couple of weeks, we try to get together to have coffee, share what’s going on in our lives, and talk about feelings (yes, it’s true; processing and analyzing feelings by talking through them is one of our favorite pastimes). Today was one such morning, and we had the kind of conversation that leaves me feeling lighter and somewhat cleansed afterward, like what I needed from the conversation was a proverbial mug of hot cocoa, lavender candle, and fuzzy blanket and received exactly that.

After they left, I spent some time sitting alone, listening to the rain and reflecting on the month of October, as well as the conversation with my mom and sister and the feelings it surfaced. Everything that has been scattered lately began to feel clear. I knew I needed to talk to my partner, Carly Keydel, about some things I’ve been feeling. I’ll paraphrase here what I told her.

The truth.

To be honest, this month has kind of been a mild shit show. It hasn’t been stressful necessarily, in that I don’t consciously think “OMG this is so stressful, when is it going to end!” all day, but it’s been chaotic.

Between taking care of a very sick kid, my husband traveling for work, traveling out of state for a dear friend’s wedding (which was beautiful and fun and I’m so glad I went, but it ended up causing me some anxiety because of the timing with the sick child and the fact that I haven’t been getting as much done with Human First as I feel like I should be), my mental energy has been scattered all over the place like yesterday’s container of corn meal, which broke open and snowed all over me, my just-deep-cleaned-last-week solid black Hokas, the counter, the floor, and the cabinet I was frenetically reorganizing (which I then had to spend 30 minutes vacuuming and cleaning up).

I’ve felt this sense of really not having my shit together and feeling like I need to spend every waking second taking care of everyone and everything so that I can try to get ahead on work. As I was talking about all of this with my mom and sister, I realized that this is how I felt at so many of the companies I’ve worked at. Part of what I wanted - and frankly, needed - in starting my own company was to show that things could be different; that we could have time and space to “fill the well”, so that we have the capacity to bring our whole selves to the work that we do.

Since I haven’t been filling my proverbial well (because I’m instead filling my calendar and days with every little thing that must be done), when I am working on stuff for Human First, it takes a lot more effort and doesn’t flow as naturally. This leaves me feeling even more behind. Rinse and repeat, the cycle continues.

Being my own loudest critic will only hold me back.

I told Carly this and I’ll tell you too: even just writing that out and seeing in print the mean things I’ve been saying to myself actually made me cry. The wildest part is that no one is even doing this to me; I have no leadership or power structure to blame. I am creating this for myself. And if I can’t even stop that dynamic at a company I’m creating out of thin air, what hope do I ever have of trying to help other people stop that dynamic within themselves?

Then I mentioned to Carly an article I read a few days ago and told her about, where a billionaire said this (heavily paraphrased) nugget of hot buttered bullshit: “You can’t be a success or create anything meaningful or great if you are only working 40 hours a week; you need to be working day and night.” Meanwhile, I’ve been over here wildly gesticulating and screaming, “Why are we working 40 hours a week? THAT IS SO MANY HOURS!”

Reading his quote actually made me angry, I think because it set that voice off in my head that was like, “What if he’s right? What if I’m not working hard enough? Do I really want this dream bad enough if I’m not willing to spend every waking moment making it come true?”

But now I realize that that’s MY VOICE - who gives a damn what some rich guy on the internet thinks? Look, no hate, and good for him that he’s a billionaire and that that lifestyle has worked out and felt right for him. But what’s wrong with his statement is that he’s declaring it, as if it’s an objective fact for everyone, when it’s really just right for him and many others. That doesn’t mean it’s the right or only way for everyone. I’M the one who inserted meaning into his words, internalized the message, and then chose to invite myself to feel ashamed of it and compare myself to a standard that I don’t even believe in.

That article has been living rent-free in my head, amplifying the internal tapes trying to trick me into feeling like I’m going to get fired (which is impossible since I am the boss and am not going to fire myself) if I don’t meet every goal I’m setting for Human First, or that Carly and the team will think I’m too wishy-washy or unserious if I want to change direction with anything.

With these tapes acting like my brain’s call center hold music that has now looped so many times I’ve memorized that one random saxophone solo, I’ve felt really anxious and afraid I’m letting people down; so I didn’t speak up and say what I need.

So here’s what I need, and what I’m claiming for myself.

My productivity ebbs and flows in cycles. Some productive stretches last weeks or months at a time. Sometimes days. But I also need periods of non-productivity in between, where I am just thinking and talking to myself. That’s how I nurture my creativity and inspiration. It’s what Human First was born out of; it will die if I don’t keep doing what I was doing to conceive of it in the first place.

What I need is the freedom and safety to be vulnerable and express when I need to have a non-productive period, even if it means we need to adjust plans a bit. Frankly, I want everyone who joins Human First to feel safe enough to do that, and that’s why I’m going to start modeling it; no one will ever believe me if they don’t see me do it first.

To me, this is an example of accountability in action - to myself, Carly and the team, and the dream we are all working to bring to fruition. Or, maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself so that I feel better about not subscribing to the Grind Bro Ethos. Either way, it felt really good to be honest with myself and the team about how I’ve been feeling and release it.

It’s just one more example of how talking about and analyzing feelings out loud helps me, and why I love doing it so much.